The Pickled yet Fathomable Truth of Orientation
While working on my assignment on the topic of “Orientation” in reference to !CSEX, I chose to gather information from a few different perspectives. In conclusion of all that I learned, I decided it best to post bite size portions, thus:
In brief, from the medical/educated world’s standpoint:
Sexual Orientation is noted for being “The direction of one’s sexual interest toward members of the same, opposite, or both sexes, especially a direction seen to be dictated by physiologic (physical, natural) rather than sociologic (cultural, environmental) forces. Replaces sexual preference in most contemporary uses.” {sexual orientation. (n.d.). The American Heritage® Stedman’s Medical Dictionary. Retrieved August 23, 2010, from Dictionary.com website: http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/sexual+orientation
In brief, from a heterosexual’s standpoint:
As a child, I used to wonder if I would grow up to be straight or gay, because there is almost an equal amount of both in my family. Even though it took some of the gay ones years to “come out of the closet” we basically could tell the straight ones from the gay ones in our family, yet no-one dared to say a word to the parents. Each member has their own opinion and ideas on whether or not it is right or wrong and it’s basically a 50/50 split. I’m glad I didn’t turn out or choose to be gay, because it seems like the gay life is just too hard to live. Even if I was “born” gay, I still probably would never choose to live that lifestyle because I think there is more to all of that then just sexual preference and I’m not talking about genetics and stuff. It seems like a possession from an unnatural source. The straight ones try to convince you that you are straight, while the gay ones try to convince you that you are gay. It can be really confusing to know which one you truly are. If whatever comes natural is what one truly is, then what does sex have to do with it all anyway. I’m not a religious person, but I bet the creator must be pretty upset at what has become of his creation. (source withheld due to confidentiality)
In brief, from one homosexual’s standpoint:
“Even though it is now safe to say and believe that one’s sexual orientation is established at birth or maybe even at conception and “Is NOT a personal choice or preference, I can’t help but still feel like it is wrong somehow.” The gay community of which I am a part of, can say they finally feel “Free”, but it’s not “True Freedom” by any means. (source withheld due to confidentiality)
In brief, from an ex-bisexual’s standpoint:
It’s a lie, it’s ALL a lie!!! A lie used by the world and more importantly our enemy, to deceive, distract, compel, convince, condone, convert, trap, and accept “Mans” idea over “Gods”
The Truth, is the truth, is the truth, just as Plain, Simple and Easy as, A lie, is a lie, is a lie. Doesn’t matter how one “chooses” to slice the pickle, it’s still going to be a pickle. In all its bitterness, sourness and even mouth-watering tartness, the altered veggie remains the same. I was born and created, a cucumber, I “chose” to jump in the harsh, abrasive, sour, acidic jar of vinegar, even though I altered what I was originally created to be, I none-the-less, originated as a cucumber and a cucumber I will forever be. (source withheld due to confidentiality)
In brief, from a Biblical standpoint:
Therefore, dear brothers and sisters, you have no obligation to do what your sinful nature urges you to do. For if you live by its dictates, you will die. But if through the power of the Spirit you put to death the deeds of your sinful nature, you will live.For all who are led by the Spirit of God are children of God. (Romans 8:12-14)
Don’t fool yourselves. Those who indulge in sexual sin, or who worship idols, or commit adultery, or are male prostitutes, or practice homosexuality,or are thieves, or greedy people, or drunkards, or are abusive, or cheat people—none of these will inherit the Kingdom of God.Some of you were once like that. But you were cleansed; you were made holy; you were made right with God by calling on the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God. (1 Corinthians 6:9-11)
!CSEX: Can we talk about Sexual Abuse?!
Growing up, I remember seeing this innocent looking figurine of three little monkeys, never really giving it a second thought as to the real meaning behind it all. I assumed it was just another one of those decorations that weird animal loving people found amusing and worth display along with their family photos and other dust collecting memorabilia.
While studying the wide world of Religions, I learned that the baby ape trio was actually used as a religious symbol by several Asian religions. Ancient Proverbs suggests that the meaning or catch-phrase associated with the famous threesome, “See no evil, Hear no evil, Speak no evil” simply meant, “Mind Your Own Business”, while others believe it actually means,“If we do not see, hear or speak evil, you shall be spared all evil.”
I’m sure we can all agree that simply avoiding or ignoring evil doesn’t automatically or miraculously spare us from it. And although, “minding our own business” is actually beneficial and even takes great skill and effort for some to put into practice, there are times that it is just unavoidable, regardless of how hard we try to keep to ourselves.
So if this “See no evil, Hear no evil, Speak no evil” concept was intended to safeguard or even predict the potential outcome of man in relation to his senses, then for the sake of clear visual interpretation, let us replace the monkeys, with humans, in order to gain a new and truer sense of this wise and ancient proverb.
Now, these visuals, help take this idiom to a whole new level, wouldn’t you agree?!
So what does all of this have to do with Sexual Abuse?
Childhood, Adolescent and even Adult Sexual Abuse is all too often a traumatic experience that is suffered in silence. Even when the evidence is in plain sight or within our range of hearing, why is it that so many choose to turn a deaf ear and walk in the opposite direction?
SEX & ABUSE are just too taboo to talk about, in families and especially in churches. It is so much easier to go through life pretending that we didn’t see what we thought we saw or hear what we thought we heard and just keep quiet because it’s really none of our business anyway.
Because when we begin to talk about it, acknowledge it and see it for what it is really worth, it means we can’t sit on the sidelines anymore and do nothing. We can’t simply go on about our daily lives as though we didn’t just hear the horror stories of years of abuse that our daughters, sisters and Mothers went through. Or that our brothers, uncles, or Dads could do such foul and nasty things. And no, it’s not just males dominating females or the old targeting the young and innocent.
Sexual Abuse is no respecter of persons, any and all can and do become victims.
I was a victim of child sexual abuse as well as adult sexual abuse and for years, suffered in silence and shame. I have daughters who were also silent victims. I have many family and friends who chose to keep silent and secret, their abuse and traumatic childhood experiences.
I personally know of one other, whose years of suffering in silence, ultimately cost him his life. I don’t know all the specifics involving his traumatic experiences. But by the time I was fully informed and realized the real battle he was fighting, inside, it was too late. My granddaughters Daddy was a victim of childhood sexual abuse. He was only 20 years old when his life ended, by suicide. The demons that tormented him, literally consumed the life out of him, as he was ill-equipped to resist them alone and in silence.
It is way past time that the code of silence be broken.
It is beyond time that the strongholds that cripple the innocent, be shattered. This battle is not simply between one human versus another, but it is a war between the flesh and the spirit of man and between the human and non-human spirit forces in the world.
You might prefer not to talk about, listen to or see what is happening in the lives and world around you in respects to this issue, but it doesn’t change the fact that it’s happening and it needs to stop.
Our eyes were not created to be shut and blinded, our ears were not made to be closed or muted, and our mouths were definitely not designed to remain silent!!!
- Do you need help to overcome a traumatic sexually abusive experience?
- Do you need help to overcome a sexual addiction?
- Do you know of someone who needs help?
No-one has to suffer in silence!!!
!CSEX:Lets talk about Sexual Abuse
I was asked by Bibledude.com to take part in a blogging project over at Idea Camp in connection with their !CSEX event, and because I recently finished up a Book Review project on “Sexual Addiction“, I agreed to participate in this weeks topic on Sexual Abuse.
To be perfectly honest, these blogging projects both excite me and scare me at the same time. Though I am excited and honored to be a part of these writing projects, I have to confess and admit that I never expected and am even still, a bit perplexed that I agreed to write on the topic of Sexual Addiction & Abuse. The Lord knows what He is doing and has His own agenda as to why I am even a part of these discussions. If all this talk about sex, especially coming from me, is confusing some of you, then that makes two of us.
In preparation of this event, I have had quite a few one-on-one, heart-2-heart, Me + God Time-Out Sessions. I desperately needed His Divine Insight, Wisdom and Guidance on exactly what I needed to share on this blog, on this topic.
I started working on this project as soon as I received the email invitation and rather quickly wrote up a brief history of my personal & private experiences on the issue of sexual abuse. I then went on to create my childhood-to-adolescent-to-adult trauma and abuse timeline, and before long I had written a full-fledged, tell-all mini series of events with explicit details included. As I read and relived, prayed and revised my blog, I sensed that neither of these were the approach that I was being lead to write as my final part in this event.
S.E.X. is not exactly a topic that many people are comfortable discussing, and I for one, have never been the kiss and tell type. Especially knowing that my own past and experiences were deeply stained and covered with all the things sex was not designed to be in the first place. Childhood sexual abuse & trauma has got to be one of the all-time worse, life-changing events, other than death itself, that I personally know of. That innocence can never, ever be replaced or easily forgotten and will always have life-altering consequences, even with the best of counseling and professional help. The enemy is fully aware of the fact that if he can stain and scar a young innocent life early on, his job is already half way done.
If you think your past, your pain, your sins, or your current lifestyle are just too much for God to clean up and restore, think again!!! If He can heal me of my pain, forgive me of my mess, and give me a fresh new start, then He can certainly do the same for you too.
Even though I did not write and share a brief history, a season by season timeline or a day by day rundown of all the mess I experienced and made of my life, just know that it definitely was a huge one, and not only was it a complete and full-on mess, but it was one that God was more than willing and capable of cleaning up. He is not unaware of where we have been and where we are in the realm of things. Please know that I am praying for you to be Set Free and that healing, forgiveness & restoration through the blood of Christ is yours for the asking.
Father I beg of you to draw close to yourself each and every one of your hurting and scarred sons and daughters. Cover them and surround them completely Lord with your Holy Presence. Cause them to feel Your Loving Arms holding them this very minute Lord. I pray that You would cleanse them of all of their sins, each and every one of them, accept their repentance and remove the shame and guilt that plagues them. I pray that You would strip away the bitterness and pain and anger that the enemy would want them to hold on to. Send Your Comforter to minister to their wounds and show them that their scars are beautiful in Your Eyes Father. Show them Lord, in a tangible way, how much You love them and how much they mean to You Father. Send angels into their lives, to stand with them as they search for Your truth, as they learn what Your purpose for their life is through Your Holy Word. Help them to pick up the crown that You have prepared just for them and to live the life that You intended Just For Them. Set them free Father, by the precious blood of Your Son, Christ Jesus, whose name I make this prayer known. Thank You Jesus for dying on the cross for our sins, AMEN!!!
Everything you always wanted to know about S.E.X. but were too afraid to ask…
Believe it are not, but when I was a teenager, That Book was where I learned most of what I needed to know on the issue of sex. And of course the Famous Woody Allen Movie was yet another watch & learn moment for me as well. I wasn’t one of the fortunate ones, with the type of parents who sits their child down, at puberty, to hear “The Birds & The Bees” spill. That was a topic NOT for discussion in the family and home I grew up in. So in addition to reading & watching what I could find on the subject, I also took in information from my “more experienced” friends and yes, through experimenting on my own. Unfortunately not everything I learned had been correct, safe or even healthy, much less biblical.
Without going into great detail, let me just say that I have seen many different dimensions in relation to this area of sex. I’m no expert on sex, but I do know that each and every human has been created with their own individual and unique sexual make-up, no two are alike. And I am not talking about body parts here, but overall sexuality: body, mind and spirit.
Because I didn’t look to my Creator for answers early on, I learned things the hard way. I was sexually abused as a child by more than one family member and by more than one family friend. I was also raped & abused repeatedly by my own husband throughout the duration of our 14 year marriage. I was misled by some, used by others and manipulated by yet another. All and all, my sexual experiences took me down long, dark, dead-end roads before I learned the True & Pure purpose intended. The issue of Sex and all that it entails really is of great concern to the Creator, in fact it was one of the very first commands He gave to man & woman, Genesis 1:28 God blessed them and said to them, “Be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth and subdue it. He created each and every one of our body parts and all of their functions, so who better to consult when it comes to the issue of sex, than the originator Himself?!
Society yesterday and today, has a really twisted view in regards to this issue and so many people are still being misinformed and misdirected. Sex is not simply about personal pleasures, sexual gratifications, selfish desires, fantasy, fun or even feelings. It is so much deeper than a quick couple of minutes of intense penetration or role-playing that is for sure.
The matter of sex, by many, is seen as a private, personal matter. But truth be told, it is very public, it is so out there for all the world to see, even more so today than at any other time in the history of man. Yet so many are still clueless as to it’s real intended purpose.
I received an invite to participate in another blogging project over at bibledude.net in connection with an upcoming event on the issue of sex in today’s society. This event, !CSEX will take place September 27-28 in Las Vegas. Leading up to this event, weekly discussions will take place via online networks, that’s where I come in. I have agreed to blog, text, tweet, post, etc during specific weeks on specific topics and want to invite any and all to participate in these open discussions.
“No Stones:Women Redeemed from Sexual Addiction” by Marnie C. Ferree (InterVarsity Press) FINAL Review
“No Stones – Women Redeemed From Sexual Addiction”, by Marnie C. Ferree is a book of Hope, Healing and Full-On Grace for the female struggling with sexually addictive behaviors.
Sexually Addiction is as real and common as any other addiction or condition and believe it or not, effects just as many women as it does men. Men have always been and still are more easily excused and treated for this condition then are women. Because society views woman with this condition as whores, the overwhelming shame and guilt force many to suffer in silence and secrecy for many years before seeking professional help.
As odd as it may sound, Sexual Addiction is not about sex at all. It is actually an Intimacy Disorder. A false intimacy and a false solution for legitimate needs, driven by pain and loneliness, and NOT by physical gratification. One with this condition is basically on a desperate search for love, affection, acceptance and approval and not simply looking to engage in the act of sex as the name suggests.
The author helps her reader to identify what the problem is, how/why it came about and more importantly, how to fix it. By disclosing her own personal battle with the condition, Marnie does an exceptional job in bringing to the table as well as the altar, this ever-present and ever-growing condition while providing in-dept information, advise, encouragement and resources for those interested in overcoming this addiction.
Up until I read this book, I had no clue that those women who I once saw as whores and home-wreckers were in fact battling with a real condition that more than likely stemmed from a childhood traumatic experience through no fault of their own. Sisters who were trapped in an endless, generational, merry-go-round ride of abuse and trauma, desperately searching for a way out and more importantly for the helping hand of an understanding and supportive sister.
If you or someone you know is struggling with any type of sex/love/intimacy/relationship issue that fits the criteria of one with Sexual Addiction (see Chapter Six), there is no need to suffer in silence or secrecy any longer, Help IS here!!! And not only Help, but Grace, Forgiveness and another shot at Purity, through the Mercy & Compassion of a Loving Father and the Sacrifice of a Faithful Son.
“No Stones:Women Redeemed from Sexual Addiction” by Marnie C. Ferree (InterVarsity Press) Extras Review
In addition to all the helpful information found in each of the 18 chapters of this book, at the tail end of her book Marine included a few “Extras”, such as: “Twelve Steps of Sexaholics Anonymous”, “Characteristics of a Sex and Love Addict”, Resources, Notes, as well as general information about herself and her special place for healing, through Bethesda Workshops.
I have to admit that until I read this book, I had no idea that such a condition even existed, especially among women. But what troubles me the most about having learned of this condition, is the fact that I can clearly see so many among my own family and friends with all or most of the signs and symptoms of one struggling with a sexual addiction. Most of which are without a clue that such a thing even exist or more importantly that there is help available for those who want to be made well and freed from the grips of this chain.
Without attempting to diagnose anyone with sexual addiction, as I have no authority to do so, but mainly for the sake of attempting to reach out to those who may decide not to buy the book or read it, but really want to know if what impairs them has anything to do with a sexual addiction, I’ve decided to include in this portion of my review,“The Self -Test”, as it is presented in Marnie’s book at the beginning of Chapter Six: Diagnosis of Sexual Addiction.
I would also like to extend my hand to any and all those who are in need of a friend to walk with them through the recovery process, without reservation, without judgement, as I chose also to throw No Stones. I pray for Wisdom, Courage and Strength to all my fellow sisters out there, family, friend, or stranger, who are struggling with this condition, to recognize their need for help and to be willing to step out and grab a hold of that help and begin to receive the healing that is available to them and allow the grace of our Heavenly Father to make them New, Whole and Pure again.
Women’s Self-Test for Sexual/Relationship Addiction
1. Have you ever thought you needed help for your sexual behavior or thinking?
2. Have you tried to stop or limit what you felt was wrong in your sexual or relationship behavior?
3. Do you use sex to escape, relieve anxiety or as a coping mechanism?
4. Do you feel guilt, remorse, or depression afterwards?
5. Has your pursuit of sex or a particular relationship become more compulsive?
6. Does it interfere with relations with your spouse?
7. Do you have to resort to fantasies or memories during sex in order to be aroused or satisfied?
8. Do you keep going from one relationship or lover to another?
9. Do you feel the right person would help you stop lusting, masturbating or being so promiscuous?
10. Do you have a destructive need – a desperate sexual or emotional need for someone?
11. Does the pursuit of sex or a relationship make you careless for yourself or the welfare of your family or others?
12. Has your effectiveness or concentration decreased as sex or a relationship has become more compulsive?
13. Have you experienced negative consequences as a result of your sexual or relational behavior?
14. Are you depressed?
15. Were you sexually abused as a child or adolescent?
If you answered yes to even a few of these questions, you are likely sexually addicted. Additional screening test are available online at sexhelp.com
I also stumbled across another new resource just last night and thought it tied in with this review. The title of the article is, “Self-Love: The prison of Porn and Masturbation”
My Final Review should be coming shortly and will conclude this book review, however my offer stands should someone stumble across this blog a month from now, a year from now, even years from now. As long as I have breathe in me, I am making myself available to walk with and pray for my sisters who are ready and sincerely want to be made well.
“No Stones:Women Redeemed from Sexual Addiction” by Marnie C. Ferree (InterVarsity Press) Part Three Review
I sorta, kinda hit a brick wall and was led to pitch a tent in Part Three, as this very inspirational book became somewhat of a “reality check”, revealing not only issues in my own life, but in the lives of so many close personal family members and friends.
It is no coincident that I was drawn to this Book Review, and more specifically, to “this book”. I have been able to interact with and exchange information from this book with others who actually were diagnosed with this condition. I have also been in a position to share information with some who suspect they may have this condition, while at the same time attempting to share this helpful information with others who don’t yet recognize that their behaviors may be a direct result of this condition in their lives.
Part Three includes the surrender, disclosure, and recovery process, which are MAJOR steps and hurdles in these women’s lives. This is where the tires meet the pavement part and it has been somewhat of a struggle for me personally, as I feel the Holy Spirit nudging me to contribute on a more personal level. Disclosure can be very tricky and to be honest with you, I knew before I even had this book in my hand that I would reach this point in the process and it scared the hell out of me, yet I still requested to participate anyway.
With knowledge comes accountability as well as responsibility, the lives that will be touched and changed through this book will be phenomenal. I count it a privilege to have been able to share my review of this book.
Part Three: The Solution
Woman at the Well
Appropriately taken from the Book of John, chapter 4, verses 3-20, 23-24, Jesus, “The Living Water” sent to Rescue, Redeem, and Refresh us anew. “If you knew the generosity of God and who I AM, you would be asking me for a drink, and I WOULD give YOU FRESH, LIVING WATER” {emphasis mine} For those with this condition, reaching a level of Hope and Grace is so key in their recovery process. A daily and intentional journey that is far from peaches and creme, yet definitely attainable AND with lasting results.
Ch 12: Surrender and Sobriety
This chapter helps one through the First Steps towards recovery and sobriety through the act of surrendering, touching briefly on the topic of withdrawal also. These two concepts go hand-in-hand and can not be successfully achieved apart from the other. For successful deliverance from sexual addiction, the addict MUST surrender, as the surrendered life of a sex addict can only be successfully accomplished through sobriety. While on earth and performing healing miracles, The Great Physician did not ask “what is the matter with you? Nor did he ask, “What can I do for you?, but rather He asked his ailing friends, “Do you want to get well? Being made well, involves the first step to be taken by the afflicted before a healing can even begin. We are all familiar with the famous First Step of The Twelve Steps to Sobriety formulated by Alcoholics Anonymous, namely “Admitting they are powerless over their addiction and that their life has become unmanageable as a result of their addiction.” The author does an exceptional job driving home these key points.
Ch 13: Disclosure
Following the First Step of Admittance comes the terrifying next step of Disclosure. Who actually wants to voluntarily confess that they have an addiction, much less a sexual addiction, especially if you are female? The hard reality for a woman seeking recovery from sexual addiction is: Total disclosure is absolutely necessary for recovery. Scary? Yes! – Negotiable? No! The “what he doesn’t know, won’t hurt” reasoning is not optional in recovery. In this chapter, Marnie has included Guidelines for Disclosure when approaching a spouse, children and other family members. Disclosure takes a great deal of courage and maturity and Marnie reminds her reader once again of the faithfulness of the Lord to supply this courage along with strength as He walks hand-in-hand with the sufferer through this self-denying step towards recovery.
Ch 14: Healthy Relationships and Rebuilding Trust
Though this chapter’s title may sound appealing and simple to most, for one suffering with sexual addiction a.k.a. intimacy disorder, it’s not quite so easy. Connections and relationships, both healthy ones and unhealthy ones, involve some level of intimacy. The obvious cure for intimacy disorder in affect happens to be the greatest fear of one with intimacy issues, that of being open, exposed, and intimate, leaving one vulnerable to abandonment or rejection. Recovery is dependent on it, as no one can recover in isolation.
Ch 15: Tools of Recovery
As the title suggests, this chapter provides useful tools needed to successfully begin ones journey on the road to recovery. From Daily Prayer to Journaling, to Group Meetings and Accountability Partners, the author provides page after page of helpful steps along with encouragement. Challenging one to lean on, confide in and most of all, trust in the The Savior & Redeemer, as He transforms from the inside out.
Ch 16: Healing From Trauma
Unresolved trauma is a relapse waiting to happen, all it takes is a trigger and one with sexual addiction will find themselves traveling down the road they longed to abandon and may very well have stayed away from for quite some time. Marnie goes a step deeper into the healing process of trauma in this chapter, making suggestions in the area of seeking professional help, using medication, speaking out, healthy acting out, as well as developing spiritual connections if one has not already done so at this point. Forgiveness finds its place in this chapter, as the author appropriately links healing with surrendering ones right to be a victim and taking the identity of being a survivor instead. To use forgiveness to open the door of joy in the today and now instead of the trauma and horror of the past.
Ch 17: For Husbands and Others (Including Clinicians)
The longest chapter of the entire book, this chapter was written specifically addressed to the husband, other family members, as well as the treating clinicians of the female sexual addict. The author suggest that if the reader is indeed the addict of whom she writes about, that she skip over this chapter or otherwise remain silent and let those for which this section was specifically written for, obtain the necessary information without coercion on the part of the addict. Identifying and defining the co-addict, codependent partner, the author helps the spouse of a sex addict to not only understand this condition but also to recognize their role in the addiction and the continuation of the addictive behaviors. While maintaining that the addict is 100% responsible for their sexual integrity, addiction of any kind is defined not simply as an individual disease but rather as a family disease, as the sex addict’s behaviors undoubtedly affect those around her: husbands, children, parents, siblings, in-laws, other relatives as well as friends.
Ch 18: Living Happily Ever After
Yes, it is possible for the sexual addict to achieve true and lasting happiness despite her painfully horrible past. The road to blissful recovery has no ending mark or final cut off date. It is a never-ending journey, a new way of living day by day, week after week, one month to the next, for years and years. Recovering thus transforms into simply living, surrendered and free by the grace of those who chose to thrown no stones.
It’s not over with yet, Stay tuned for the “Grand Finale”, but of course not before ” The Extras” Review
“No Stones:Women Redeemed from Sexual Addiction” by Marnie C. Ferree (InterVarsity Press) Part Two Review
In my best attempt to not ruffle any feathers I will ever so simply continue where we left off in this “book review” project with Part Two: The Root – Sins of the Father and Mother and for the most part, will just let the title and sub-title sort of speak for itself!!!!
I will say that this part of the book just about broke me and in more ways than one, but now that I have caught my breath and gained my composure, let’s see if I can pull this off.
Part Two: The Root
Sins of the Father and Mother.
Appropriately taken straight from the book of Deuteronomy, Chapter 5, Verses 6 – 10.
… I, the Lord your God, am a jealous God, punishing the children for the sin of the fathers to the third and fourth generation of those who hate me, but showing love to a thousand generations of those who love me and keep my commandments. {emphasis mine}
Ch 7: Unhealthy Families
Though sexual addiction is often viewed by many as a lifestyle of choice, the reality of it all is actually quite opposite!!! Yes you read that right, come on now who really chooses for themselves to grow up and become adulterous, cheating, lying, deceitful sex addicts? The plain truth on this one, as hard as it may be to accept and agree with, is: Sexual Addicts DO NOT choose their condition or addiction, It chooses them!!! That may be a hard pill for some to swallow, but it is what it is and that’s all there is to it. The woman who stole your husband, even though she had her own, cheated on your best friend who gave her everything a woman could possible want and need, slept with half the football team in high school, various friends and acquaintances in college or co-workers in adulthood, etc, etc, etc, just may not be the deliberate, full-fledged slut that people say she is. The Mom of three with the perfect husband and life who snuck around for years with the Dad and Husband next door may not be the deliberate, all-encompassing home-wrecker the whole neighborhood is calling her. Redirect: To understand the root cause of this condition, one need only look at the family in which they grew up in. Yes, another blow below the belt. While not all parents are to blame for the conditions and behaviors of their offspring, unfortunately some ARE. Understanding HOW one reaches the point of addiction, whether it is with the use of sex, drugs, alcohol, or other forms, it is Very Important and Necessary in “The Recovery Process” to look at ones past and upbringing in order to identify Healthy versus Unhealthy Family profiles. Marnie does an exceptional job unfolding the truth of these two spectrums in all its glory and grace.
Ch 8: Trauma of Abuse
In this chapter, Marnie takes a look at four kinds of tragic abuse which occur in the homes of people who suffer with sexual addiction. Namely, Physical Abuse, Emotional Abuse, Sexual Abuse and Spiritual Abuse. Research & Statistics show that the majority of adult sex addicts have suffered some form of traumatic abuse in their lifetime. Whether directly or indirectly, abuse trauma affects both victims in some way. One point that stuck out to me in this chapter was the fact that, one need not be directly abused, but be a mere witness of abuse to be classified as one being a victim of abuse.
Ch 9: Trauma of Abandonment
Though one with sexual addiction may have been able to avoid other forms of trauma in their lives, 100% of both males and females suffering with sexual addiction have experienced some form of abandonment trauma. Marnie helps one to distinguish between exactly what form of abandonment they have experienced in order to help with the recovery process. Although having lived a life with both a full-time Mother & Father present in one’s life, one can still undergo and suffer from wounds of abandonment. Healing from this element is often tricky and complex, therefore it is necessary that one dig deeper than the surface for answers.
Ch 10: Long-Lasting Effects of Trauma
Ones self-image as well as overall personality, character and behaviors ARE created, shaped, tainted, and evolve from ones life experiences. In an unconscious effort to right the wrongs, remedy the pain, sexual addicts may be able to successfully hide their sexual addiction, however those around her are almost sure to see the signs and the effects via other overlapping symptoms and conditions. Trauma creates unhealthy coping skills which in turn creates more trauma, thus causing unhealthiness, and so the cycle continues and is passed on from generation to generation. While attempting to identify and unveil ones “trauma history”, this chapter briefly explores eight ways to get those wheels spinning.
Ch 11: Addicts’ Core Beliefs, Emotions and Coping
Marnie does a great job wrapping up this part of her book with Four Core Beliefs for Addicts, taken from Dr Patrick Carnes, “The Betrayal Bond: Breaking Free of Exploitative Relationships”, thus helping one to recognize whether or not they have True or False Core Values and Beliefs, as we can probably all agree that false core values and beliefs aid in crippling and handicapping one struggling with sexual addiction or any form of addiction for that matter. She then uses a simple illustration of 3 bears and 3 chairs to help one identify where they were, where they are, and where they want to be.
WHEW!! Now that is over and done with, let me recommend, if I haven’t already done so, that each and every female who is reading this blog, whether you or someone you know, fits the criteria for Sexual Addiction, to please pick up a copy of this book and become informed. It will either help you in your struggle to overcome this condition, or change your views of those who battle with this condition, either way, as women, we need to stand up for each other and help each other through this. Let our sisters know that they are not walking through this alone and that we chose to throw No Stones!!!
“No Stones: Women Redeemed from Sexual Addiction” by Marnie C. Ferree (InterVarsity Press) Part One Review
Part One naturally includes a Forword, Preface and Introduction, as most good books do. However it’s the Letter To The Reader, written by Marnie’s daughter that got me all choked me up from the very start. She so graciously prepares the reader for what they are about to experience, the good, the bad and the ugly. She also kindly reminds and encourages those still struggling, that they are not alone and are in fact being prayed for. One of the best gifts one could ever give to another, is a personal prayer.
In her Introduction, Marnie jumps head first and shares her personal testimony in such an open, honest and bold way. WOW!! Personal Testimonies, in my opinion, are the absolute best stories ever written. Everyone has a story to tell, and to share a story such as this, takes HUGE Courage, Strength and loads of Faith.
Part One includes Chapters One through Six.
Part One: The Problem
Woman Caught in Adultery
Appropriately begins with the story taken from the Book of John chapter 8, verses 1-11, where the religious leaders were attempting to trap Jesus with the issue of the woman caught in adultery.
Ch 1: The Secret Sin of Sexual Addiction, takes you straight into a true-to-life scenario of one christian women, who despite outward appearances, battles in secrecy to overcome what she is powerless to stop. The secret sin of sexual addiction is nothing new, it has been around since biblical times. Just as those back then faced condemnation, ridicule, shame and sometimes even death, it’s not very much different today. The shame and guilt one with this condition must bear often seems far worse than the sin itself. This mentality has forced many to suffer in secrecy rather than openly identify themselves as someone with this condition. This sworn to secrecy has caused many to neglect seeking proper medical care in fear of being exposed.
Ch 2: Messages About Being Female, it goes without saying that the image the world sees and dictates a woman should be, is far from the image God intended when He first created her. Sad to say, so many woman have bought into that false imagery and feel they have to live up to that twisted measurement in order to find true happiness in life. As if cultural and self-imaging are not enough to deal with, the inferiority to the dominant male doesn’t help matters either. So many misconceptions about what and how a real woman should look and act, has led to the abuse and neglect of many in their attempt to find true and lastly love and acceptance.
Ch 3: Definition of Addiction, both biblical and secular definitions are explored along with a very detailed breakdown of characteristics to help one better understand this condition. Also included in this chapter, is a brief insight into the spiritual aspect of this seemingly simply sin. This is where the “meat and potatoes” of what sexual addiction is and what it is not, begins to be broken down.
Ch 4: Female Presentations of Sexual Addiction, as in the previous chapter, this one takes it a step further and helps one to more specifically identify, among the myriad faces that encompass this condition, just what type of sexual addict they are. Using the “Umbrella Term” sexual addiction actually covers a wide range of behaviors. Labels such as: Relationship or Love Addict, Romance Addicts, Fantasy Addicts, Pornography or Cybersex Addicts, Masturbation, Exhibitionism, Sell or Trade Addicts, and Partnering with another Addict. Other important concepts mentioned in this chapter, include: Binge/Purge Pattern of Addiction, Sexual Anorexia, and Power Component. After all is said and done, it balls down to, Sexual Addiction is NOT an addiction to sex, but is an Intimacy Disorder.
Ch 5: Consequences and Cycle of Addiction, this chapters compounds the Consequences, the Triggers, and the Cycles to once again, help one to see specific patterns in behaviors in order to aid in identifying whether or not a problem with sexual addiction exist.
Ch 6: Diagnosis of Sexual Addiction, a self-test questionnaire helps put all the puzzle pieces together in order to help in determining whether or not further action should or needs to be taken. Typical commonalities among women addicts is listed in a sort of symptom/overlapping conditions type format, as well as tools for getting a clearer picture of ones history or pattern of behavior can better equip one when and if they decide to take that next step and seek outside, professional help.
The closing of Part One ends with the subheading “Naming The Demon” along with the powerful illustration found in the Book of Luke chapter 8, beginning with verse 27, and rightfully so. From the beginning to the end of this possessive condition, there appears to be an unnatural source that proceeds to take over the body and mind of both men and women with sexual addictive behaviors. The healing process can only begin once that fact is believed, understood, acknowledged, rebuked and then released. One need not be discouraged or at a lost of what to do or where to turn for help. There is Hope and there is Help, it is just one prayer away. Your Heavenly Father does not desire to reject, condemn or stone you, but to accept, deliver, rescue and love you!!!
No doubt, this entire book is a wealth of throughly researched, knowledgeable and well written information filled with lots of facts, segments of real life situations, and tons of encouragement.
Stay tuned for Part Two: The Root
“No Stones: Women Redeemed from Sexual Addiction” by Marnie C. Ferree (InterVarsity Press) Book Review Intro
About a week ago I responded to an advertisement posted by bibledude.net to participate in a book review project. First off, I was super excited to be chosen to participate, as I love both Reading & Writing and have been trusting and waiting on the Lord to lead me down the right path to finally put these two to good use, Thanks Dan for the privilege and opportunity! And secondly, the only book left unspoken for, was the exact one I had hoped to read and review.
The title of this book instantly caught my attention and peaked my interest. Probably due to similar issues in my own family & friend’s past and present lives, which I have managed to deny, ignore, or continually sweep under the rug. However someone or something keeps moving that rug and exposing the mess hidden under it. I soon realized, what was supposed to be a simple read, review and write opportunity, was actually yet another divine appointment and intervention.
“No Stones – Women Redeemed From Sexual Addiction”, by Marnie C. Ferree is a book of Hope, Healing and Full-On Grace. For those still struggling in secrecy or trying to make sense of their sexually addictive behaviors, this book will help one to come to a better understanding of what sexual addiction is and what it is not!!
The plain truth about sexual addiction is that it isn’t about sex at all. It is a false intimacy and a false solution for legitimate needs, driven by pain and loneliness, and NOT by physical gratification. On a desperate search for love, affection, acceptance and approval, one battling with this condition is not simply being sinful or just acting like a whore, it goes far much deeper than that. Ferree, 2010. That fact alone, however should take a huge weight off the shoulders of one living with this condition. For others, whether a spouse, family member, friend, or onlooker, rest assure that the one battling with this condition suffers just as much, if not more, than any pain they have inflict upon you and others.
The bold openness of this author and her family, not only in their handling of this issue in their own life, but in sharing it with the world, is one of great courage and trust. Without a doubt, the journey of this female author was God-Ordained from the very beginning, leading up to the writing and publishing of this book, to the mentoring, counseling, and redemption of others like her. I commend Marnie for stepping out in Faith, in admitting, accepting, and confronting her condition and then sharing it with others in hopes of saving another marriage, family, sister, wife, daughter, and mother.
Marnie Ferree is a licensed marriage and family therapist and Certified Sexual Addiction Therapist (CSAT) in Nashville, Tennessee, where she directs Bethesda Workshops, a place of healing for those who struggle with sexual brokenness. She is a frequent lecturer at professional and recovery conferences, churches, and schools. Ferree is a member of several professional organizations including the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapists, the American Association for Christian Counselors, and the Society for the Advancement of Sexual Health, where she is on the editorial board of the professional journal Sexual Addiction & Compulsivity.
This 275 page, 18 chapter book, designed to be read alone or in a group, is not one I want to speed read through, so bear with me please, as I take this journey into the deep dark depths of female sexual addiction and the saving grace of a loving, forgiving family and especially of a Heavenly Father.
Chapters are listed under three different “Parts” thus, Part One: The Problem; Part Two: The Root; & Part Three: The Solution. Rather then post a chapter summary after each of the 18 chapters, I will attempt to post a summary after I complete each “Part”, afterwards an overall conclusion once I complete the entire book. So Stay Tuned!!
