In addition to all the helpful information found in each of the 18 chapters of this book, at the tail end of her book Marine included a few “Extras”, such as: “Twelve Steps of Sexaholics Anonymous”, “Characteristics of a Sex and Love Addict”, Resources, Notes, as well as general information about herself and her special place for healing, through Bethesda Workshops.

I have to admit that until I read this book, I had no idea that such a condition even existed, especially among women. But what troubles me the most about having learned of this condition, is the fact that I can clearly see so many among my own family and friends with all or most of the signs and symptoms of one struggling with a sexual addiction. Most of which are without a clue that such a thing even exist or more importantly that there is help available for those who want to be made well and freed from the grips of this chain.

Without attempting to diagnose anyone with sexual addiction, as I have no authority to do so, but mainly for the sake of attempting to reach out to those who may decide not to buy the book or read it, but really want to know if what impairs them has anything to do with a sexual addiction, I’ve decided to include in this portion of my review,“The Self -Test”, as it is presented in Marnie’s book at the beginning of Chapter Six: Diagnosis of Sexual Addiction.

I would also like to extend my hand to any and all those who are in need of a friend to walk with them through the recovery process, without reservation, without judgement, as I chose also to throw No Stones. I pray for Wisdom, Courage and Strength to all my fellow sisters out there, family, friend, or stranger, who are struggling with this condition, to recognize their need for help and to be willing to step out and grab a hold of that help and begin to receive the healing that is available to them and allow the grace of our Heavenly Father to make them New, Whole  and Pure again.

Women’s Self-Test for Sexual/Relationship Addiction

1. Have you ever thought you needed help for your sexual behavior or thinking?

2. Have you tried to stop or limit what you felt was wrong in your sexual or relationship behavior?

3. Do you use sex to escape, relieve anxiety or as a coping mechanism?

4. Do you feel guilt, remorse, or depression afterwards?

5. Has your pursuit of sex or a particular relationship become more compulsive?

6. Does it interfere with relations with your spouse?

7. Do you have to resort to fantasies or memories during sex in order to be aroused or satisfied?

8. Do you keep going from one relationship or lover to another?

9. Do you feel the right person would help you stop lusting, masturbating or being so promiscuous?

10. Do you have a destructive need – a desperate sexual or emotional need for someone?

11. Does the pursuit of sex or a relationship make you careless for yourself or the welfare of your family or others?

12. Has your effectiveness or concentration decreased as sex or a relationship has become more compulsive?

13. Have you experienced negative consequences as a result of your sexual or relational behavior?

14. Are you depressed?

15. Were you sexually abused as a child or adolescent?

If you answered yes to even a few of these questions, you are likely sexually addicted. Additional screening test are available online at sexhelp.com

I also stumbled across another new resource just last night and thought it tied in with this review. The title of the article is, “Self-Love: The prison of Porn and Masturbation”

My Final Review should be coming shortly and will conclude this book review, however my offer stands should someone stumble across this blog a month from now, a year from now, even years from now. As long as I have breathe in me, I am making myself available to walk with and pray for my sisters who are ready and sincerely want to be made well.

BOOK REVIEW INTRO

PART ONE REVIEW

PART TWO REVIEW

PART THREE REVIEW

FINAL REVIEW

I sorta, kinda hit a brick wall and was led to pitch a tent in Part Three, as this very inspirational book became somewhat of a “reality check”, revealing not only issues in my own life, but in the lives of so many close personal family members and friends.

It is no coincident that I was drawn to this Book Review, and more specifically, to “this book”. I have been able to interact with and exchange information from this book with others who actually were diagnosed with this condition. I have also been in a position to share information with some who suspect they may have this condition, while at the same time attempting to share this helpful information with others who don’t yet recognize that their behaviors may be a direct result of this condition in their lives.

Part Three includes the surrender, disclosure, and recovery process, which are MAJOR steps and hurdles in these women’s lives. This is where the tires meet the pavement part and it has been somewhat of a struggle for me personally, as I feel the Holy Spirit nudging me to contribute on a more personal level. Disclosure can be very tricky and to be honest with you, I knew before I even had this book in my hand that I would reach this point in the process and it scared the hell out of me, yet I still requested to participate anyway.

With knowledge comes accountability as well as responsibility, the lives that will be touched and changed through this book will be phenomenal. I count it a privilege to have been able to share my review of this book.

Part Three: The Solution

Woman at the Well

Appropriately taken from the Book of John, chapter 4, verses 3-20, 23-24, Jesus, “The Living Water” sent to Rescue, Redeem, and Refresh us anew. “If you knew the generosity of God and who I AM, you would be asking me for a drink, and I WOULD give YOU FRESH, LIVING WATER” {emphasis mine} For those with this condition, reaching a level of Hope and Grace is so key in their recovery process. A daily and intentional journey that is far from peaches and creme, yet definitely attainable AND with lasting results.

Ch 12: Surrender and Sobriety

This chapter helps one through the First Steps towards recovery and sobriety through the act of surrendering, touching briefly on the topic of withdrawal also. These two concepts go hand-in-hand and can not be successfully achieved apart from the other. For successful deliverance from sexual addiction, the addict MUST surrender, as the surrendered life of a sex addict can only be successfully accomplished through sobriety. While on earth and performing healing miracles, The Great Physician did not ask “what is the matter with you? Nor did he ask, “What can I do for you?, but rather He asked his ailing friends, “Do you want to get well? Being made well, involves the first step to be taken by the afflicted before a healing can even begin. We are all familiar with the famous First Step of The Twelve Steps to Sobriety formulated by Alcoholics Anonymous, namely “Admitting they are powerless over their addiction and that their life has become unmanageable as a result of their addiction.” The author does an exceptional job driving home these key points.

Ch 13: Disclosure

Following the First Step of Admittance comes the terrifying next step of Disclosure. Who actually wants to voluntarily confess that they have an addiction, much less a sexual addiction, especially if you are female? The hard reality for a woman seeking recovery from sexual addiction is: Total disclosure is absolutely necessary for recovery. Scary? Yes! – Negotiable? No! The “what he doesn’t know, won’t hurt” reasoning is not optional in recovery. In this chapter, Marnie has included Guidelines for Disclosure when approaching a spouse, children and other family members. Disclosure takes a great deal of courage and maturity and Marnie reminds her reader once again of the faithfulness of the Lord to supply this courage along with strength as He walks hand-in-hand with the sufferer through this self-denying step towards recovery.

Ch 14: Healthy Relationships and Rebuilding Trust

Though this chapter’s title may sound appealing and simple to most, for one suffering with sexual addiction a.k.a. intimacy disorder, it’s not quite so easy. Connections and relationships, both healthy ones and unhealthy ones, involve some level of intimacy. The obvious cure for intimacy disorder in affect happens to be the greatest fear of one with intimacy issues, that of being open, exposed, and intimate, leaving one vulnerable to abandonment or rejection. Recovery is dependent on it, as no one can recover in isolation.

Ch 15: Tools of Recovery

As the title suggests, this chapter provides useful tools needed to successfully begin ones journey on the road to recovery. From Daily Prayer to Journaling, to Group Meetings and Accountability Partners, the author provides page after page of helpful steps along with encouragement. Challenging one to lean on, confide in and most of all, trust in the The Savior & Redeemer, as He transforms from the inside out.

Ch 16: Healing From Trauma

Unresolved trauma is a relapse waiting to happen, all it takes is a trigger and one with sexual addiction will find themselves traveling down the road they longed to abandon and may very well have stayed away from for quite some time. Marnie goes a step deeper into the healing process of trauma in this chapter, making suggestions in the area of seeking professional help, using medication, speaking out, healthy acting out, as well as developing spiritual connections if one has not already done so at this point. Forgiveness finds its place in this chapter, as the author appropriately links healing with surrendering ones right to be a victim and taking the identity of being a survivor instead. To use forgiveness to open the door of joy in the today and now instead of the trauma  and horror of the past.

Ch 17: For Husbands and Others (Including Clinicians)

The longest chapter of the entire book, this chapter was written specifically addressed to the husband, other family members, as well as the treating clinicians of the female sexual addict.  The author suggest that if the reader is indeed the addict of whom she writes about, that she skip over this chapter or otherwise remain silent and let those for which this section was specifically written for, obtain the necessary information without coercion on the part of the addict. Identifying and defining the co-addict, codependent partner, the author helps the spouse of a sex addict to not only understand this condition but also to recognize their role in the addiction and the continuation of the addictive behaviors. While maintaining that the addict is 100% responsible for their sexual integrity, addiction of any kind is defined not simply as an individual disease but rather as a family disease, as the sex addict’s behaviors undoubtedly affect those around her: husbands, children, parents, siblings, in-laws, other relatives as well as friends.

Ch 18: Living Happily Ever After

Yes, it is possible for the sexual addict to achieve true and lasting happiness despite her painfully horrible past. The road to blissful recovery has no ending mark or final cut off date. It is a never-ending journey, a new way of living day by day, week after week, one month to the next, for years and years. Recovering thus transforms into simply living, surrendered and free by the grace of those who chose to thrown no stones.

It’s not over with yet, Stay tuned for the “Grand Finale”, but of course not before ” The Extras” Review

BOOK REVIEW INTRO

PART ONE REVIEW

PART TWO REVIEW

EXTRAS REVIEW

FINAL REVIEW

In my best attempt to not ruffle any feathers I will ever so simply continue where we left off in this “book review” project with Part Two: The Root – Sins of the Father and Mother and for the most part, will just let the title and sub-title sort of speak for itself!!!!

I will say that this part of the book just about broke me and in more ways than one, but now that I have caught my breath and gained my composure, let’s see if I can pull this off.

Part Two: The Root

Sins of the Father and Mother.

Appropriately taken straight from the book of Deuteronomy, Chapter 5, Verses 6 – 10.

… I, the Lord your God, am a jealous God, punishing the children for the sin of the fathers to the third and fourth generation of those who hate me, but showing love to a thousand generations of those who love me and keep my commandments. {emphasis mine}

Ch 7: Unhealthy Families

Though sexual addiction is often viewed by many as a lifestyle of choice, the reality of it all is actually quite opposite!!! Yes you read that right, come on now who really chooses for themselves to grow up and become adulterous, cheating, lying, deceitful sex addicts? The plain truth on this one, as hard as it may be to accept and agree with, is: Sexual Addicts DO NOT choose their condition or addiction, It chooses them!!! That may be a hard pill for some to swallow, but it is what it is and that’s all there is to it. The woman who stole your husband, even though she had her own, cheated on your best friend who gave her everything a woman could possible want and need, slept with half the football team in high school, various friends and acquaintances in college or co-workers in adulthood, etc, etc, etc, just may not be the deliberate, full-fledged slut that people say she is. The Mom of three with the perfect husband and life who snuck around for years with the Dad and Husband next door may not be the deliberate, all-encompassing home-wrecker the whole neighborhood is calling her. Redirect: To understand the root cause of this condition, one need only look at the family in which they grew up in. Yes, another blow below the belt. While not all parents are to blame for the conditions and behaviors of their offspring, unfortunately some ARE. Understanding HOW one reaches the point of addiction, whether it is with the use of sex, drugs, alcohol, or other forms, it is Very Important and Necessary in “The Recovery Process” to look at ones past and upbringing in order to identify Healthy versus Unhealthy Family profiles. Marnie does an exceptional job unfolding the truth of these two spectrums in all its glory and grace.

Ch 8: Trauma of Abuse

In this chapter, Marnie takes a look at four kinds of tragic abuse which occur in the homes of people who suffer with sexual addiction. Namely, Physical Abuse, Emotional Abuse, Sexual Abuse and Spiritual Abuse. Research & Statistics show that the majority of adult sex addicts have suffered some form of traumatic abuse in their lifetime. Whether directly or indirectly, abuse trauma affects both victims in some way.  One point that stuck out to me in this chapter was the fact that, one need not be directly abused, but be a mere witness of abuse to be classified as one being a victim of abuse.

Ch 9: Trauma of Abandonment

Though one with sexual addiction may have been able to avoid other forms of trauma in their lives, 100% of both males and females suffering with sexual addiction have experienced some form of abandonment trauma. Marnie helps one to distinguish between exactly what form of abandonment they have experienced in order to help with the recovery process. Although having lived a life with both a full-time Mother & Father present in one’s life, one can still undergo and suffer from wounds of abandonment. Healing from this element is often tricky and complex, therefore it is necessary that one dig deeper than the surface for answers.

Ch 10: Long-Lasting Effects of Trauma

Ones self-image as well as overall personality, character and behaviors ARE created, shaped, tainted, and evolve from ones life experiences. In an unconscious effort to right the wrongs, remedy the pain, sexual addicts may be able to successfully hide their sexual addiction, however those around her are almost sure to see the signs and the effects via other overlapping symptoms and conditions. Trauma creates unhealthy coping skills which in turn creates more trauma, thus causing unhealthiness, and so the cycle continues and is passed on from generation to generation. While attempting to identify and unveil ones “trauma history”, this chapter briefly explores eight ways to get those wheels spinning.

Ch 11: Addicts’ Core Beliefs, Emotions and Coping

Marnie does a great job wrapping up this part of her book with Four Core Beliefs for Addicts, taken from Dr Patrick Carnes, “The Betrayal Bond: Breaking Free of Exploitative Relationships”, thus helping one to recognize whether or not they have True or False Core Values and Beliefs, as we can probably all agree that false core values and beliefs aid in crippling and handicapping one struggling with sexual addiction or any form of addiction for that matter. She then uses a simple illustration of 3 bears and 3 chairs to help one identify where they were, where they are, and where they want to be.

WHEW!! Now that is over and done with, let me recommend, if I haven’t already done so, that each and every female who is reading this blog, whether you or someone you know, fits the criteria for Sexual Addiction, to please pick up a copy of this book and become informed. It will either help you in your struggle to overcome this condition, or change your views of those who battle with this condition, either way, as women, we need to stand up for each other and help each other through this. Let our sisters know that they are not walking through this alone and that we chose to throw No Stones!!!

BOOK REVIEW INTRO

PART ONE REVIEW

PART THREE REVIEW

EXTRAS REVIEW

FINAL REVIEW

Part One naturally includes a Forword, Preface and Introduction, as most good books do. However it’s the Letter To The Reader, written by Marnie’s daughter that got me all choked me up from the very start. She so graciously prepares the reader for what they are about to experience, the good, the bad and the ugly. She also kindly reminds and encourages those still struggling, that they are not alone and are in fact being prayed for. One of the best gifts one could ever give to another, is a personal prayer.

In her Introduction, Marnie jumps head first and shares her personal testimony  in such an open, honest and bold way. WOW!! Personal Testimonies, in my opinion, are the absolute best stories ever written. Everyone has a story to tell, and to share a story such as this, takes HUGE Courage, Strength and loads of Faith.

Part One includes Chapters One through Six.

Part One: The Problem

Woman Caught in Adultery

Appropriately begins with the story taken from the Book of John chapter 8, verses 1-11, where the religious leaders were attempting to trap Jesus with the issue of the woman caught in adultery.

Ch 1: The Secret Sin of Sexual Addiction, takes you straight into a true-to-life scenario of one christian women, who despite outward appearances, battles in secrecy to overcome what she is powerless to stop. The secret sin of sexual addiction is nothing new, it has been around since biblical times. Just as those back then faced condemnation, ridicule, shame and sometimes even death, it’s not very much different today. The shame and guilt one with this condition must bear often seems far worse than the sin itself. This mentality has forced many to suffer in secrecy rather than openly identify themselves as someone with this condition. This sworn to secrecy has caused many to neglect seeking proper medical care in fear of being exposed.

Ch 2: Messages About Being Female, it goes without saying that the image the world sees and dictates a woman should be, is far from the image God intended when He first created her. Sad to say, so many woman have bought into that false imagery and feel they have to live up to that twisted measurement in order to find true happiness in life. As if cultural and self-imaging are not enough to deal with, the inferiority to the dominant male doesn’t help matters either. So many misconceptions about what and how a real woman should look and act, has led to the abuse and neglect of many in their attempt to find true and lastly love and acceptance.

Ch 3: Definition of Addiction, both biblical and secular definitions are explored along with a very detailed breakdown of characteristics to help one better understand this condition. Also included in this chapter, is a brief insight into the spiritual aspect of this seemingly simply sin. This is where the “meat and potatoes” of what sexual addiction is and what it is not, begins to be broken down.

Ch 4: Female Presentations of Sexual Addiction, as in the previous chapter, this one takes it a step further and helps one to more specifically identify, among the myriad faces that encompass this condition, just what type of sexual addict they are. Using the “Umbrella Term” sexual addiction actually covers a wide range of behaviors. Labels such as: Relationship or Love Addict, Romance Addicts, Fantasy Addicts, Pornography or Cybersex Addicts, Masturbation, Exhibitionism, Sell or Trade Addicts, and Partnering with another Addict. Other important concepts mentioned in this chapter, include: Binge/Purge Pattern of Addiction, Sexual Anorexia, and Power Component. After all is said and done, it balls down to, Sexual Addiction is NOT an addiction to sex, but is an Intimacy Disorder.

Ch 5: Consequences and Cycle of Addiction, this chapters compounds the Consequences, the Triggers, and the Cycles to once again, help one to see specific patterns in behaviors in order to aid in identifying whether or not a problem with sexual addiction exist.

Ch 6: Diagnosis of Sexual Addiction, a self-test questionnaire helps put all the puzzle pieces together in order to help in determining whether or not further action should or needs to be taken. Typical commonalities among women addicts is listed in a sort of symptom/overlapping conditions type format, as well as tools for getting a clearer picture of ones history or pattern of behavior can better equip one when and if they decide to take that next step and seek outside, professional help.

The closing of Part One ends with the subheading “Naming The Demon” along with the powerful illustration found in the Book of Luke chapter 8, beginning with verse 27, and rightfully so. From the beginning to the end of this possessive condition, there appears to be an unnatural source that proceeds to take over the body and mind of both men and women with sexual addictive behaviors. The healing process can only begin once that fact is believed, understood, acknowledged, rebuked and then released. One need not be discouraged or at a lost of what to do or where to turn for help. There is Hope and there is Help, it is just one prayer away. Your Heavenly Father does not desire to reject, condemn or stone you, but to accept, deliver, rescue and love you!!!

No doubt, this entire book is a wealth of throughly researched, knowledgeable and well written information filled with lots of facts, segments of real life situations, and tons of encouragement.

Stay tuned for Part Two: The Root

BOOK REVIEW INTRO

PART TWO REVIEW

PART THREE REVIEW

EXTRAS REVIEW

FINAL REVIEW